MY STUDENT FROM A MUSLIM COLLEGE

When I think about my experience teaching for a year in a Muslim College in Perth, one particular student comes to my mind. Not long time ago I opened the West Australian Newspaper and there she was,standing with Nicole Kidman, an UN ambassador discussing with young University female students the future of Kosovo and their ongoing fight for their independence. I looked at the Saranda's enthusiastic
face looking admiringly on our Australian actress and my memories came back.

The first lesson I had in Saranda's class, I taught 'Folk Fables and Legends' and asked students to give me examples from their cultures. Saranda stood up and told the class the Albanian legend as it was told to her by her Grandmother.

I would like to share with you the Saranda's legend as well as life of one Muslim teenager, one Muslim refugee who lived in our state for a while.


THE LIGHT OF LIFE
/Albanian Legend as it was told to Saranda by her beloved Grandmother/


A long time ago when the ancient Illyrian tribe roamed all over the vast territories of Albania, the sky was always dark and hung very low over the land nearly touching the highest peak of our mountain
range. With every person born, one sunflower grew from the grass next to his/her home. This sunflower gave the person enough warmth and light to live. There was a special man, who Illyrians called 'Light
man'. Every evening he gently bent all the sunflowers, so they and the people could rest in the dar, and every morning he gengly stretched all teh sunflowers, so they could shine again. The 'Light man'
was very well known and respected, as he never forgot his duty. He was a very precise man, the cycle of dark and light repeated exactly the same way every time.

The 'Light man' had one more duty to do. Whenever a person died, their sunflower died too, so he gently picked its flower and walked up to the highest peak of our mountain to place it on to the sky above. ALthough the dead sunflower stopped to give warmth, it still glittered little bit in the dark. People used to look at it before they went to sleep to remember the dead person.
There was also another man called 'Enemy'. He was never satisfied with what he had and always wanted to have more than others. When he married a beautiful girl and it was his time to built his own house, he was not satisfied with an ordinary house inside the tribe. He built himself a stone castle on a small hill above the settlement, so he could see all the land around. But there was no chance to lighten up and warm the huge damp place with only two sunflowers. So he visited the 'Light man' and asked him to give him more sunflowers as his house was so much bigger than the others and needed more light.

The 'Light man' shook his head at this unusual request: " I can't give you, what is not mine."

But the cunning 'Enemy; asked: " What if someone give me the light, I can't refuse the offering."

"That's true," said the 'Light man': " But remember, you can't take the offer, if someone's existence depends on it."


The cunning 'Enemy; didn't go to ask the strong men and women, but the weak ones. He visited all the sick and very old people of the tribe, when no one was near them and asked them to give him their 'light of life' as they would die soon anyway. Since the sick and very old people were too deaf or weak to understand, they only nodded their heads as in agreement.
'Enemy' took their sunflowers with him to his castle. Suddenly all the sick and very old people of the tribe died and there was no one sunflower left near their houses to put on the sky.
Soon the sunflowers died in the stone castle, as they had been too old and 'Enemy' let them shine all day and night.

Next day 'Enemy' decided to go and ask all the babies to give him their sunflowers. Since they were young, he thought, their sunflowers would last longer than the old peoples.
He watched for a moment and when their mums weren't around, he asked for their sunflowers. The babies smiled and giggled at him as in agreement. He took their sunflowers to his castle and let them to shine all day and night.
Suddenly all the babies of the tribe died and the wailing of their mothers didn't stop. There was not one sunflower to put for them on the sky.

'Light man' went to the stone castle and found all the sunflowers of dead people and babies too. He picked them all up and went on the highest peak to put them on the sky. As he didn't know which one is which, he made a crescent shape on the sky using them all to remember all the victims of 'Enemy'.
Then he returned back to the tribe and started to pick up the sunflowers of the living people. Firstly he carried them in his hands. Later he piled them up and shaped them in a huge ball to roll them up the highest peak. When the people realised that 'Light man' had taken their 'light of life', they surrounded the highest peak and cried for him to give them the sunflowers back.

He turned to face them and pointed at the 'Enemy': " He is responsible for your misery."

People turned to him at once and started to throw stones at 'Enemy'. He quickly ran back to his castle lost in darkness.

'Light man' rolled up huge light ball right up the top. He picked it up with all his might and put it on the sky for all the people to share the 'light of life'.
'Enemy' was too scarred to leave his dark castle. Every time he peeped out, people started to scream: "Enemy is coming". All the weak, old and young ones then quickly gathered together inside the tribe settlement.
All the strong men faced 'Enemy' with stones in their hands.

FROM THiS TIME ON, PEOPLE HAD NOT ONLY RECOGNIZED THE MEANING AND IMPORTANCE OF THE STARS, MOON AND SUN IN THEIR LIVES BUT ALSO THEY INTRODUCED A NEW WORD INTO THEIR VOCABULARY: ENEMY. ENEMIES STARTED TO FIGHT AGAINST EACH OTHER AND WARS STARTED AND HAVE NOT STOPPED EVER SINCE...


Saranda loved this legend because she lived all her childhood with Serbian oppression of her homeland. She was born as the 'enemy' of Serbia. She came to find refuge in Australia and she was marked as the 'enemy' of Australia and whole Western world because of her 'Muslim upbringing'. What does it tell about us?

This ancient Albanian story resonates in me, because it also reminds me of our human greed. I believe that we need our own 'Light man' who would protect our earth, our environment from us, before we replenish it and destroy it all.

The story also reminds me of our human indiference. We know about suffering of others /it the story the old, weak, sick and babies have been robbed of sunflowers, but people only started to protest once their own sunflowers were taken away/,
but we do nothing if it does not concern us or our closest family.

Is this old Albanian story resonate in you?

Separation, challenge and return

WHAT DOESN'T BEND - BREAKS

My son kept me regularly informed about his travels. He longed to reach the ancient Inca city and his dream came true. To reach the upper stony structures the visitor travels a narrow, winding paths bounded by rocky edges. Views of the surrounding landscape are breathtaking. The visitor arrives regularly at a stony platforms, that at above 4000m above sea level, affords gaspevoking views of the mountains that ring the ancient kingdom. The Inca culture suggest that paths should weave towards a final point, rather than running straight to it. The stepping stones are laid to ensure that a destination is approached slowly and thoughtfully. Gasping for a breath in the thin air ensure that a visitor takes time to reflect and take in the pace and mood, light and texture. These stepping stones were first steps my son took on his travels from his teenager's years to manhood.

My son noticed the desperation and poverty of the Native South American Indians. It reminded me when I was teenager I felt sory for the Gypsies living in my native country. I hope he too will try to see their world through their eyes, so he will connect to and understand of the world they live in. Hopefully he will mature knowing that there is no diffference between them, him and anyone else. I want him to believe that we are evolved enough to help each other preserve our uniqueness and culture and believe in oneness at the same time. Learning about cultures so different to his own was another stepping stone my son took on his travels from teenager's years to manhood.

All the little things and favours he has done to make their life easier really do matter. The most important thing is to have an open heart, free of prejudice, anger and self pity. I hoped his heavy heart opens up to a new world.

My son was alone in the vast South America he never visited before. Anything can happen to him. My advice was to follow his intuition and trust himself. And something happened.

Travelling should never be at the expense of good health, unfortunately a new food, a new environment and weather patterns as well as the harsh terrain take toll even on the experienced traveller. My son's drained vitality made him vulnerable to potential illness. On the 13th of August 2009 on his flight from Santiago de Chile to Europe he started to have a sharp abdominal pain, nausea, fever with chills and weaknesses. The IBERIA plane did an emergency landing in Asuncion in Paraguy because of his condition and he was brought to the E.R at the Sanatorio San Roque for assesment and treatment. They found out what happened, his appendix bursted and flooded the stomach cavity.

As a mother I knew that the challenge is upon my son and there is nothing I can do for him. Fortunatelly the IBERIA plane representative, Ilse embraced him as her own son. The members of the medical team of the Sanatorio San Roque especially Doctor Jorge Gomes did everything to save my son's life and they successeded. There is no better feeling for a mother than knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world, there are people of different language and cultural background, caring humang beings who looked after my son as their own.

We all suffer, we all expereince pain, loss and grief. At time, during this suffering we may become emptied to such an extent that we wonder what is left inside. The draining of our emotions and feelings, the hollow experience of emptiness can disable us, making it very difficult to recover, and yet recover we must. The life journey we are on is filled with difficulties to face, challenges to meet. My son, a patient experiencing suffering, pain and distress in unfamiliar environment surrounded by people whose language he could not speak, entered the last stepping stones on his journey from adolescent's to manhood. He learnt that troubles do descend to make our life difficult and painful but we do have the inner resources to transform them. Everything that comes to visit us is enriching in some way if we remain receptive.

SEPARATION, CHALLENGE AND RETURN - My son left and overcame his challenge but he is not ready to come back. I will wait for his return that may never happen. His life is not mine any more. He is untamed, beautiful and wild and once will mature to an unique individual, a warrior for a good cause, a warrior that can catch the sun with his bare hands, a warrior that we need.

An adolescent's journey into manhood

I want to tell you a story about my son's experiences with a passage to manhood. From birth to 7 years of age was his first passage when he started school in a new country, dealt with his first bullies and moved one small step away from me. At around 14 puberty started, his body changed and he asked me to be left alone. He moved one big step away from me. The next passage came when he was 18 years old and he started his university. Most traditional cultures around the world have ceremonies to mark these passages but in our times in the western world these passages are often ignored. Watching him to change I realized that manhood to boys does not come easily. Becoming a man takes many years and many teachers. Some men never reach the title of 'man'. Without appropriate change it is posible to remain a boy your whole life. Struggling to find his purpose and his fullfilment he packed his backpack one day and left. Loosing his sight in an overcrowded airport I realized that this is the modern version of the archetypal hero's journey. The separation for the first time. I hold back my tears not to embarass him. In front of my eyes flickered images from my teenager's years when studying in Russia I saw 18 years old boys draged from their theatrically wailing mothers to fight in Afganistan. Many of them fought for many years and came back broken men, physically and mentally injured men. My son does not need to endure the challenge of war to return as a real man. He is going to explore South America on his own and as a part of a group. I understood that I need to lose him and trust him if I want him to return. The change from mother-child to adult-adult relationship was critical for both of us. I hoped that when he finally comes back he will connect with his father's masculine spirit and mother's feminine tenderness, gain an apppreciation for family traditions, values and beliefs and begins to develop a vision of himself as a young man. I waved back a let him GO.
I can move on, focusing on my own growth. My boy is not mine any more. I release the young man to find his own path to happiness.

HOW HEAVY IS YOUR HEART?

This poem I dedicated to my first born son. He was the most happy baby you could wish for, always smiling in spite of wet nappy or a late feed. As a boy he sailed with his good friend around the Rottnest Island and dreamt about pirates. He was always shy. He never talked too much but he had the most beautiful smile, which touched something deep in your heart.
Suddenly approaching his teenager's years his heart felt heavy. He stopped smiling and stopped talking.
Often, in our adulthood we have one or two areas in our lives where our hearts feel heavy. Our hearts could feel heavy with regards to relationships, finances, carrer of perhaps family issues.
What made my son's heart suddenly feel so heavy, I wondered.

HOW HEAVY IS YOUR HEART?

YOU ARE HERE
because I've fallen in love
with your Father

Your Dad,
our provider,
responsible for a necessary
culture
of material values.

Your Dad,
who demonstrate truth and knowledge
in practical ways,
does he forget to talk to you?

Does he forget to talk to you
about what is important,
about love, life, truth and death

YOU ARE HERE
because I've fallen in love
with the beauty
that
resides in all living things,
the smell of flowers, the feel of the earth

Come closer,
I whisper to you:
Feel deeper,
the real sensation of love.
There is a difference
between passion and lust.

Step forward to be
a masculine man
you want to be,
but remember,
if a man cannot truly
respect and love a woman,
then he cannot love his children rightly:
he will give them the wrong idea of love.
Step forward
but do not forget to look back,
to your Mum's feminine side
so you can inherit a world less
burdened,
where mistakes aren't repeated,
where lives can be orientated towards
fulfilment, caring and love

YOU ARE HERE
because I've fallen in love
with myself
again
it takes a moment
to fall quiet
and just ask your heart
what it desires Move forward
my Romulus,
my son
Get yourself unstuck!
Not to be tied
to hurt and pain
from the past.
Let it go
then listen with your heart
and see
what comes up!

Finally,
I am looking for a light at the end
of this tunnel
I reclaimed my power I took responsibility
for my own life
or death

Let us both
hold our heads
high!

I am ready to let you go...

HOW HEAVY IS YOUR HEART NOW?

WHAT MAKES US HUMAN?

This poem I had dedicated to my son born in Australia when he started to question: himself, people around him, place where he lives and his family. Before he was born he survived a car crash and battled series of illnesses and operations throughout his childhood. This poem was written when he once again missed his school, because he was just to sick to go...

WHAT MAKES US HUMAN ?

Our seaside port
Monday June 9, 2008
/ Destructive winds of up to 180 kmh cut a 30m-wide swath through port
after the tornado hit the coast at Shoalwater Bay about 7.40 am
Bureau of Meteorology WA/

One Winter Monday morning
when sky was no more blue,
lightening fleshed and thunder roared,
a tornado
hit our neighborhood

We rest, me and my son
in our cozy room,
oblivious
to weather outside
he moaned with pain
I fought the Flu

Remus picked my ‘Cosmos’ journal
with nothing else
to do
he looked at the picture
of a chimpanzee
and read the words:
‘ WHAT MAKES US HUMAN?’
“ What does, Mum?”
“I don’t have a clue.”

‘ WHAT MAKES US HUMAN?’
I watched his eager gaze.
“Let me think,
our curiosity,
our feelings,
our desire
to learn?”

“ I don’t think so, Mum,”
he shook his head
in a protest
like twelve years old do:
“ Our dog is clever,
he even knows when I’m sad
and that is true.”

“ We BELIEVE in something,
that animals can’t do,
we want to know,
where do we come from,
who we are,
who is our family,
and our places,
we belong to.

Together,
we manage to survive,
together,
we fight the challenges
together,
we find new ways
to get us through.


“ But, I don’t know anything
about my family.”
He shrugged and threw
the ‘Cosmos’ away.
“ I don’t even know anything about YOU.”

“ Then close your eyes and IMAGINE,
that’s another thing just humans can do,
I take you to places,
where I once belonged.
Maybe once,
you visit them too.”

“ That’s awesome, I like traveling,
I will go for sure,
tell me about them,
so I will know them all,
just like you.”

“ That is something YOU can’t do,
look at this storm…”

“ Storms are cool.”

“ Maybe for you,
what about a few streets down?’

“ You mean like those roofs
and fences flew? And what about those peple? I bet they can be hurt too?

” You see, you can feel the pain of others,That's the other thing animals can't do."
"THAT IS WHAT MAKES US HUMAN:

TO EXPLORE
TO DISCOVER
TO UNDERSTAND
TO SEE THE WORLD
FROM DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.




The following week when my son finally recovered and started his new school and his behaviour changed. He was anxious how students would react to his unusual name and pale look. He was too weak to excell in sport. Usually talkative and of bubbling personality he started to withdraw and spend more time alone in his room. His frequent outburst of anger surprised me. He lost interest in learning and his old friends. His new teachers s felt confused about his behaviour and started to associate his recent troubles with psychological problems. I explained his recent troublesome medical experiences and asked to give him more time to fit in.

The following weekend I took him to the Stiriling Range, our closest mountains. We invited our family and friends to join us and we TALKED...

I explained to my son that it was me, who is responsible for his ongoing health problem, as I was driving my car in the seventh month of him expecting to be born, too fast. I was rushing to finish my studies, I wanted to have everything at home ready before he is born, I HAD NO TIME...and I nearly lost him.
I said, I am sorry and he just nodded. I promised to always find time for him and listen to him.

He said he wants to be treated at school like everyone else. Maybe his health is going to worsen but he wants to try ...
All he nees is to heal and get over his normal anxieties and insecurities. It was just one of his many life experiences and he can deal with it.

 I explained that I was just scarred more than him and I hoped that his health starts to  improve.


We sat on the top of the sunny hill and bellow us threatening clouds rolled and covered a nearby town.
" I know now how the people down there feel like," my son looked up at me and we smiled at each other.
We knew. We managed to see each other's point of view.

MY Perception of people

Our children do not need psychological labels and medication, our children need love and trust

I was a child once, a confused and insecured one, diagnosed as depressed and traumatised. People felt sorry for me and i felt worthless. I was naughty child as well, people felt angry with me and I felt unloved.

I was a teenager once, giving my teachers a hard time and arguing with my aging Grandmother, my sole carer and was diagnosed as suffering from something likeappositional defiant disorder. They persuaded me that going to secondary school is a traumatic experience for me. For the emotional upheavals I experienced from falling in love for the first time I was offered councelling and many forms of therapy. People expected me to fail at school, in relationships, at life in general and I felt suicidal.

I was an young adult once, again confused and insecured in my new role as a partner,parent and a teacher. I was diagnosed with something like bipolar disorder. I was advised how to manage mood swings and find balance. People undermined my ability to be stable partner, good parent or professional teacher. I felt disoriented but i wanted to prove them wrong and I SUCCEEDED.

I HAVE NOT BEEN BORN NOR I GREW UP IN AN ANGLO-AMERICAN SOCIETY IN THE PAST 40 YEARS. ALTHOUGH MY MOTHER WITH THE HELP OF MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS / FRIENDS OF MY STEPFATHER/ LIKED TO USE NEW PSYCHOLOGICAL DIAGNOSES FROM OVERSEAS, FORTUNATELLY FOR ME THERE WAS NO AVAILABILITY OF PSYCHOACTIVE MEDICATION. THERE WAS NO SPECIAL NEEDS EDUCATION. AT THE END OF YEAR ONE I WAS THREATEN TO BE MOVED TO MENTAL INSTITUTION AS I REFUSED TO COMMUNICATE AND MY MEMORY WAS LOST AFTER THE SHORT BOUND OF MENGITIS.UNFORTUNATELLY MY GRANDMOTHER'S PAIR OF HOME RAISED FRESHLY KILLED DUCKS, THE PRESENT FOR THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL SAVED ME FROM THAT ORDEAL.When I came to Australia in my thirties I was thrilled that student with various learning and behvioural problems have more choice than a regular school or a mental institution

Working with strudents with learning difficulties for the past ten years I praise Education Support Centres for their crucial role they play in students' further development especially for students with various medical inborn impairments and sometimes medication is necessary. However I know now that they are not there to help children in my situation, who are just confused and powerless to deal with their unsafe home situation.

Diagnoses and medication will not help, they make students only more powerless.

MY GRANDMOTHER SAVED ME OTHER WAY AS WELL. AS A HOUSEWIFE AND KEEN GARDENER SHE SPENT EVERY FREE MINUTE ATTENDING TO HER VEGETABLE PATCH AND LISTENING TO ME. SHE SAID THAT WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD AND SHE IS NOT EDUCATED /FINISHED ONLY PRIMARY SCHOOL/, SHE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE ME ANY ANSWERS, THOSE I HAVE TO FIND FOR MYSELF, BUT SHE LISTENS TO ME. AND SHE DID.

I RECEIVED THE ORDINARY EDUCATION AND WAS TREATED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AT SCHOOL. EVENTUALLY I MANAGED TO CATCH UP ONCE I REALIZED IT IS ALL UP TO ME.

After reaching maturity I realized that it is not normal to treat the routine troubles of childhood as a mental health issue. My divorced Mother who left me as a three months old in the care of my aging Grandmother felt relieved that I have 'some mental health problems' and she is not responsible for my behaviour. After my Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer disease in my teenager's years my Mother / an alcoholic and selfpromoting sex addict/ introduced me to drinking, smoking and partying in her flat she shared with my stepfather. I understand now that I had a normal reaction to adverse and unsafe circumstances in my life at that time was assumed to have mental health problems.

Children possess a formidable capacity for resilience and usually managed to get through difficult childhood given the chance in life someone they can trust and time to find their path.

As a parent of three children in teenager's years and as an expereinced teacher of students with learning and behavioural difficulties I ask myself: 'IS A DIAGNOSIS AND PSYCHOACTIVE MEDICATION FOR DIFFICULT AND MISBEHAVING CHILDREN REALLY WHAT THEY NEED FROM US?'

I strongly believe we can give them much more...we need to connect with them and get their trust so they learnt to trust themselves...

Being connected means feeling safe, having deep trust and knowing you are loved.But what ifyou never have connections with your parents, teachers, kids and people around you...What if you are just learning how to connect, but you do not trust people around you and people do not trust you.How to change your perception of yourself, of people around you, how to change your perception of your surrounding so you can feel safe, trustful and loved again or feel loved for the first time in you life?

ONCE YOU START TO TRUST YOURSELF AND PEOPLE AROUND YOU, ONCE YOU START TO FEEL SAFE AND LOVED IN YOUR SURROUNDING; PEOPLE WILL START TO TRUST YOU AND ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. YOU WILL BE FREE FROM MEDICATIONS AND LABELS. IT IS YOU WHO HAS THE FUTURE IN YOUR HANDS. IT IS TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOUR.

Special human beings

I regret all those times when I worried about my look, my weaknesses and flaws when I was
child. I learnt to accept all my flaws. Flaws and weaknesses, strengths and abilities that is me.
That what makes me special. When my children come to me wanting to correct their flaws, I
remind them: ' Don't change, be who you are. There is only one you.'

We need to teach children to embrace themselves as they are and to embrace other people as well.

Bitter and sweet, they are unique traits that make me, you, that make special human beings.

Bittersweet Beata

there is nothing to compare with a deep bond with another, even if it means we feel the pain as well as the joy. Connection is about empathy, which is the ability to imaginatively feel the emotional state of another. This is the most remarkable skill.

It is also a matter of understanding through bodily imitation. Children learn to speak, and nearly everything else, by imitation. Babies will imitate the facial expressions of adults within the first hour of birth. Later they learnt to distinguish difference between a genuine smile, or a cover up smile or a smirk. Some children seem to have great difficulty in understanding others, but all children can learn to understand others to some extent.

It is also a matter of understanding what is going on in another person's mind. If we don't know what is happening in our own mind, if we don't know ourselves, how can we possibly understand and empathise with others. Some children seem to have great difficulty in feeling, describing and recognizing their own emotions. They have to learn to love and understand themselves first.
Children have difficulty understanding the more complex emotions of adults. They need time to develop them through age and experience, but we have to teach them to be happy within themselves and teach them to be affected by the emotions of others.

Look around how many chronically depressed and lonely people you meet everyday. Some people do not even look around any more. They believe it is more convenient to ignore the feelings of others. Look around how many separated, cheated on and heartbroken people you meet every day. We often love someone because of the effect they produce in us - not because we understand, or are even interested in, how they feel.

Look around how many violent, depressed and self harming children you meet everyday. Many children feel confused and abandoned because they often are loved only when they fit in with their parent's image of who they should be and not who they actually are.
Look around how many narcissistic and self obsessed children you meet everyday. Many parents believe they need to protect their children against hunger, discomfort, hardship, sadness, frustration...

How can you empathise with someone's longing and desires if all your needs and wants have been always met without any personal effort? How can you resonate with the suffering of the hungry people of Africa or with the sadness of vanishing species and the emptiness of destroyed environment if you never felt that kind of emotions.

Empathy has its price, the sadness, suffering, hardship, longing, frustration and desires of others resonate deeply within you however only a close, empathic connection with another person makes you fully human.

HAPPY AND SAD, FULL OF FRUSTRATION AND FULL OF DESIRES, FULL OF SUFFERING AND FULL OF PLEASURES, BITTER AND SWEET, THAT'S HOW MY LIFE IS AND I WOULD NOT HAVE IT OTHERWISE.